Depression: The Pit of Despair

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Understanding your depression and learning how to manage it
There will be times when you feel like giving up on life, maybe even give suicide a thought and sadly there will be times when for some, their chemistry is so out of balance, that suicide becomes a reality even though they sincerely love the Lord.
We live in a belief system which says “bad stuff shouldn’t happen to a Christian” and if it does there is something wrong with your faith in God. The Bible teaches us that some of the greatest Biblical characters had huge ‘pit’ experiences.

You’re not the only one
David, the Psalmist, spoke a lot about being in a pit. Psalm 69:13-17 says: “But I pray to You, O Lord, in the time of Your favour; in Your great love, O God, answer me with Your sure Salvation. Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters.”
“Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, O Lord, out of the goodness of Your love; in Your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide Your face from Your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.”

Be honest about your problem
I have been a pastor for 32 years and have walked many challenging roads in my life but have never faced, in any significant way, the on-going pain of a significant illness which brought with it depression, anxiety and even the occasional thought of suicide. I couldn’t believe that I was even facing these emotional experiences and so want to be transparent about them and seek to provide some answers as to how we integrate our spiritual and emotional lives, when troubles like this come.

A trigger for depression
Let me tell you some of my recent personal story. I have had three unsuccessful operations to my oesophagus and stomach. In May this year the doctors decided to do a fourth operation which would be major in itself and in recovery.
The surgeon certainly wasn’t lying when he said, “This op is one of the most complicated in terms of post-operative complications”. I have endured these complications for four months which produced enormous, continual pain, a swing of wild emotions, spiritual doubts and on-going physical consequences.

Counting my blessings
Some of my pain could be rated at 11/10 and I still live with constant post-surgical pain. This pain, together with a slow recovery left me, at times, feeling as though I was sinking into a deep pit from a physical, emotional and spiritual point of view.
Nothing seemed to be following the ‘constant blessing’ route or the ‘reward’ route for faithful service. I have many wonderful blessings, Avril is an amazing faithful, hardworking and loyal wife, I have four wonderful children and three fabulous grandchildren, and I serve in an amazing church. God, in His grace and mercy, has poured out on me times of incredible blessing and times of experiential powerful moments of His presence, but despite all of that, at times I felt so low and confused.

Drowning in despair
I was just making progress from the operation and getting back to preaching, but I knew that something was still wrong. I ended up back in hospital with terrible fevers. They tested me for all sorts of things and on the fifth day I returned to that dreaded pit of despair.
After a terrible night, the specialist walked in and said to me that apart from tick-bite fever results, there was possibly a diagnosis of a cancer in the blood and they were ordering Gallium (a radioactive substance) which would be injected into my blood and show them exactly where the cancer is. He walked out of the ward and I instantly felt like the floodwaters had engulfed me. I sunk down into a pit; I felt like I was drowning in despair.